Having to deal with a rejection can be tremendously difficult. But something that many people find even more difficult is to be the one who has to reject. And so it happens that many of us accept obligations that we would have rather avoided. Sometimes we accept out of politeness, in other cases because we simply don’t know in what possible way to say no. Nonetheless, we always end up with dreadful responsibilities or massive amounts of extra work. So why not learn how to politely decline a request and save a lot of time and nerves? It’s time to stop being everybody’s darling so that you can finally live your life the way you want it to.
Knowing how to say “no” in an appropriate manner is quite difficult. For the beginning, it can be very helpful to simplify the basic principle that stands behind the concept of rejecting. It might help to see the situation just as emotionless as a robot. So, whenever a person confronts us with a demand (request, requirement, insistence, postulation, challenge, claim, etc.) we will have to evaluate the demand based on whether we can satisfy/adhere to it, like it, feel comfortable with it or not. Based on this we will have to make a decision to either accept or reject it. In theory, declining is that easy. If you like it you accept it. If you don’t like it you just say “no” and reject it. Unfortunately, if it was that simple to say “no” as in theory you wouldn’t be here and read this article, would you?
Due to the fact that we are no robots (luckily!) it is not as easy for us to make a decision based on whether we just like something or not. There will always be other factors that highly influence our decision-making process, so let’s just call these factors the social component or simply conscience, for now. In many cases, the social factors impinge upon our willingness to say “no” and convert it to a grumpy “yes, fine”, whenever we fear to hurt the other person’s feelings. This also happens when we do not want to disappoint a person or fear the consequences of rejecting the demand. A perfect example for this is when your boss asks you if you could do some extra work, even though you are already having a chaotic work-overload that requires you to do overtime. Would you swallow your anger and agree to do the work or would you clearly express that you will not be able to do the extra work while risking to disappoint your boss when doing so?
In many cases, the inability to say NO can become a severe psychological problem, as we tend to forget to take care of OURSELFES and what WE really want, while simultaneously trying desperately not to hurt others with our rejection. You see, it’s a vicious circle of being oversensitive with others while withdrawing the attention from our own feelings and demands.
No matter if you rationalize it as a sign of friendship, kindness or compassion whenever you say “yes” when you know that you should have said “no” – in the end, it doesn’t change the fact that you have agreed to do something you absolutely do not want to do. Something that might require you to invest a lot of your valuable time, lie at beloved ones and things you just get done by hook or by crook. All the hassle, just because you don’t want to give others a reason to think negatively of you or believe that they will quit the friendship/business relationship when you’re not doing everything they demand. Apropos friendship, a real friend will try to get his/her life straight, without exploiting you and by any means; no true friend will quit the friendship with you, just because you aren’t willing to do a favor in a given situation.
Back in the days when I was approximately 17 years old I was an employee and had a colleague who was a very good friend of mine. He often requested me to help him with getting things done or whenever he didn’t know how to approach a given problem/case, etc. It wasn’t a problem for me to help him wherever I could, and as he was a very good friend of mine I always agreed to help him, even if I had to put my important work aside and had to catch up on that later. Over the time, I noticed that my colleague asked me for help on very similar procedures and tasks all over again, even if I had explained it just one week before. He wasn’t just asking me out of inexperience, he was simply asking me out of laziness, as he was too lazy to write down what I told him, remember it or to create specific patterns that would help him in similar situations.
After some weeks, I started to realize that whenever I should have said “no”, but answered with a “yes”, trouble was the result – no matter if I had to work longer, did things with dislike, couldn’t focus on my own tasks and so on. It even went so far, that the more I answered with a “yes” the more was I being utilized by my colleague – not because he had bad intentions, but simply because he was lazy and knew I would help him anyhow.
In the end, I was spending way too much time, energy and concentration on things that other people should have been concerned with, rather than with focusing on myself, my own tasks and my own development. I knew that if I wouldn’t clearly draw a line and have the courage to say NO, the time I could spend for myself would reduce itself drastically in the future.
For me, it is an essential part of my life to be able to clearly say “no”, whenever someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do. I’m not rejecting others because I want to be rude or impolite, I neither want to hurt their feelings nor do I want to insult them; BUT I’m living my own life in an independent way and don’t do “hum and haw”, but clearly say NO whenever I can’t or don’t want to help. This does of course not imply that I’m going to reject my best friends’ appeal for help whenever they are in a problematic situation and need my help urgently, but it means that I won’t drop everything just to drive them to work after missing the bus continuously.
Learn to reject a request
So, to make a long story short; how can we learn to say NO and above all how to clearly say NO and how to communicate a rejection the best way?
The Manual on How to Say “No”
A) The right mindset about rejecting
Before we’re getting started with the different tips, tricks and methods on how to reject someone’s demand it is important to have the right mindset about what it really means to say “no”. I think most people associate feelings of guilt with having to reject a friend’s request, which often gets exploited and enhanced by these friends by expressing their disappointment, being angry at you and similar social manipulation tactics. However, I’ve made the experience that rejecting someone with a clear “no” doesn’t mean you are being disagreeable or even rude. It neither means that you are a terrible and unreliable friend nor that you will miss opportunities in your professional life. What it means is that you have a clear agenda in life, know that your time is very valuable and have a plan on how to spend that time throughout the day and above all, it means that you aren’t a nanny for your friends and colleagues. After all, you (should) have your own priorities, interests and requirements in life, just as everyone else has.
B) Simple ways to say “no”
In the end, it doesn’t depend on the message, but on how you deliver that message. This means the fact that you reject someone is by far less important than the way how you reject that person’s demand.
1. The aspect of self-confidence
As I’ve already mentioned in the above, the importance of how you deliver a “no” is very important and will help you to terminate endless discussions and attempts of manipulation in the very beginning. One aspect of this communication process is the question on how confident you deliver the “no”. When you struggle with your decision or are unclear on whether to say yes or no, the opposite will recognize this and instantly refuse to accept your rejection – as it sees the opportunity to persuade you to change your mind. So, the next time someone asks you to do something you absolutely don’t want to do, tell yourself mentally: “I can’t and won’t do what he/she asks from me and I will communicate this fact clearly with certainty and confidence.”
The following exercise will help you to meet your decisions faster and more confident.
2. Meet decisions like a Samurai
Yamamoto Tsunetomo was a wise samurai of the Saga domain and narrated many of his prudent thoughts to a fellow samurai, which were finally written down in “Hagakure, the book of the Samurai”. One quotation of Yamamoto Tsunetomo in Hagakure says:
One should make his decisions within the space of seven breaths. (…) With an intense, fresh and undelaying spirit, one will make his judgments within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break right through to the other side.
What Yamamoto says, is that one should rather come to a quick decision within 20-30 seconds, rather than delaying it over and over again, until many days and weeks have passed. By taking a deep breath, while knowing that you will have to finalize a decision within the next seconds, you will train your decision-making abilities and find it easier in future situations to make a confident and final decision. So, rather than pondering for hours on what options to choose, finalize a decision and stick to it.
3. The perfect formulation
In the following, you will find some helpful formulations and phrases that will help you to say “no” in many different situations. The formulations vary from very weak excuses (“I’m not certain, yet!”) up to very direct and clearly communicated “no’s” (“No, I don’t want to!”) and are arranged from weak to strong.
a) “(That’s a good idea, but) I’m not sure, yet!”
Obviously, this one is just a way for you to win time, especially when you are struggling with the decision. Furthermore, you should only make use of the “that’s a good idea, but” if you truly mean it that way. But, responding with the above-named formulation will not get your problem solved, as the counterpart will ask you again and again until you met a final decision.
Some other delaying tactics could be immediate changes of the subject after responding that you aren’t certain as of now to another topic you feel more comfortable with, for example by asking a question.
Conclusion:
“I’m not sure, yet” is just a delay tactic when it comes to learn how to effectively say “no” and will not help you to finish the subject once and for all. Therefore, you should only make use of it, when you are really struggling to come to a decision or when you could not find a good explanation on why you rejected the demand.
How to deploy? For temporizing decisions.
b) “I’m very busy at the moment; can we discuss this in x hours/days?”
Who doesn’t know this scenario: you’re in the middle of some very important task that requires all your attention when a colleague or friend interrupts you with a question or request for help. Normally, you have the choice between either (harshly) rejecting them or putting your own work aside for some time in order to help them. Both of it may not be acceptable for you, especially when you really want to help this person, but cannot interrupt your work. So, why not try the above-named phrase? Okay, “I’m very busy at the moment; can we discuss this in one hour” can be seen as just another delaying tactic, but it can and should be used whenever you are very committed to an important task but like the idea/request or really want to help the person that’s asking you for the favor. Rather than having to decline to do the favor you get the chance to buy some time and to get back to the person in several hours, days or weeks; whenever you aren’t that stressed and can totally focus on the question or inquiry of the opposite part.
Conclusion:
“I’m very busy at the moment; can we discuss this in x hours/days?” is a great way to show your counterpart that you are currently in a rush, but are willing to help him at a later time. This way you can come back to the person when you aren’t in the middle of important work. Or reject with a plausible explanation.
When to use? In busy situations.
c) “I can’t manage that as I have to focus on important affairs.”
The above-named statement has basically the same message as b) “I’m busy right now”, with the difference that you will not offer to help the other person. By telling the other person that you currently have important affairs going on you clearly communicate that you cannot help at the moment and that the person should refuse from future demands. If you want you can also add some information about the project that currently demands all your attention and how long you plan to be occupied with it.
Conclusion:
“I can’t manage that as I have to focus on important affairs”, will help you to decline the other persons request in a friendly but crystal clear way.
How to apply? As a polite but direct form of saying “no”.
d) “I’m not too confident with that. Why don’t you ask X?”
No matter if you have moral concerns with the type of work, not enough knowledge about it or know that you won’t be a helpful contributor to the completion of the task; that’s the type of answer that helps you to reject the offer effectively. Your rejection might even be understood positive when you are able to refer the other person to someone who can actually help, or someone who can help them better than you can. The trick is to offer an alternative solution that sounds more promising than you do, which will not only help you to reject the demand without even communicating it, but it will also please the counterpart as it is one step closer to the solution for the problem.
Conclusion:
“I’m not too confident with that. Why don’t you ask X?” is a good way that allows you to refuse to help someone in a topic you don’t feel yourself comfortable at.
How to apply? As a very polite, indirect way to say “no”.
e) “No!”
The sincerest way to reject a request is to communicate it straightforward and direct with a “no”. Doing so will help you to avoid bringing up excuses and will nip further discussions in the bud. The key to this is to clearly communicate the fact that you are rejecting the request, as you will be facing endless discussions and attempts of manipulation as soon as you are struggling with your decision.
Why applying it? It is an honest and time-saving answer.
C) Dealing with manipulation
In the end, I think that it is important that you are mentally prepared that the counterpart might try to manipulate you, in the hope that you will change your opinion after a while. When you understand that aggressions, accusations or even an emotional outburst such as crying are attempts to manipulate you, it will be by far easier for you not to change your decision.
Generally speaking, it is always advisable to include an understandable, reasonable and confident statement on why you are saying “no” to someone’s request, especially when meeting this person face to face.
What are your strategies to say no to others?
The following articles might also be interesting for you:
Learn to say “NO” was brought to you by our Personality Development Blog.
Photo by Roger Quayle
38 Comments
There are lots of ways to say no, without even uttering the word “No”. I remember seeing Jim Carey’s Movie entitled “Yes Man”. He decided to say YES to everything and in the end everything went crazy.
I think the bottomline of everything is building self confidence and knowing that u r developing urself. in this world u can never please everyone. I hv been having problems in saying no to pple with fear of disappoint them n now I know that I need to be focused and form my priorities right as well as my decision making process. big ups
You’re absolutely right & great observation. You’ve summarized it perfectly!
I am a 45yr old female. I think this article is brilliant. For many of us the word NO was not listened to when we were young both when we said it to someone who maybe hurt us and then also in teenage years by us when a parent said it, because our understanding of the word just did not exist. How wonderful and freeing to understand the word NO at last, and how that the impact of not having understanding of the word NO on my life until now, has been clear decline. It is really interesting to become aware of this problem and to understand that is what adult choice is the ability to simply say NO when you have a feeling that you do not wish to do something and that the uncomfortable feeling in your stomach can be dealt with by a simple word – NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO – Here’s the funny bit, I want to say YES to the word NO and all its implications….
Hi Kath, good to see that you are self-empowered! Amazing what a little word like NO can effect, right?
I am a reader from China.
I am lucky to read this great article. It teach me when and how to say no.
It will my life and work easier and simpler than before. thank you, muller
Thanks so much. This article is super helpful! Much appreciated!
You’re welcome, Kate.
how can i refuse when customer ask for product discount?
That depends on your negotiation position. Some brands simply have to policy not to make any kind of discounts and customers are happy to accept this.
Dear Steve,
thank you for this article, it gave me some hints.
However, I’m facing a bit more difficult situation: I am a blogger, too. In my field of expertise (international accounting), I am a big blogger with big subscriber base. I also sell some online courses.
However, how should I reject people writing me very specific questions to which I just can’t respond due to lack of my time?
People ask me questions that are more appropriate for specific consultant and these advices cost big bucks – yet they think that when they pay me for the course (and it’s cheap), I am obliged to give them very very specialized advice.
I simply don’t know how to deal with this difficult situation – how to refuse them politely and at the same time, how to be helpful.
Thank you!
Hello Silvia,
It is quite understandable that you cannot answer each specific and individual question that your customers ask. On the other hand, the problem is that they are your customers, which causes a dilemma, as you do not want to lose or anger them.
Now the first solution I had in mind might not be appropriate to your situation, as you say that your customers ask very specific questions. What I would have done is to create some kind of a knowledge database where you answer some of the questions of your clients and where you can refer similar cases to. But as you say that you need to give very specific advice this option this certainly be not possible.
Another possibility would be to try and find competent people who can answer these questions for you. This depends of course on what kind of site you have, but maybe a forum where users can help each other out could be a solution. But again, I think that the second option is also not the best way to do this.
So what would I do? I think there would only be one option for me, and this would be of course an attempt to “upsell.” I think I would prepare an answer that is both polite but also very clear, in which you address that you are thankful for the trust your customer has placed in you and for contacting you. But also that you evaluate the amount of necessary time to answer the specific question to about three hours (or whatever amount of time that is appropriate) and that by simply giving a quick response you cannot answer the question with the quality and diligence that you expect from your work. You could tell your customer that, as a result of an improper advice on such an important question, much more harm could be done to his or her company. Mention that the specific question of your client needs professional consulting from an experienced accounting professional, but do not try to make a hard sell out of your email response.
(You could also mention that you need by far more details from your client then they have supplied to you To address the question properly. This creates a little bit of a resistance, as it means an effort for them as well which they might not be inclined to do.)
In combination with this answer you could implement some kind of a consulting service for individual cases where you charge based on the amount of time you need for solving the problem.
This approach should show your customer that you take their needs seriously, but also that you are a very respected member of the accounting community with a great level of knowledge about the subject with only a limited amount of time. Will every customer like to hear this? Of course not. But are you willing to give a service that costs big bucks for free, so that your customer might make a huge profit from this without sharing it with you? I rather think not.
Whatever you do, don’t underestimate your knowledge and your skills in this area and also don’t feel remorse for refusing a request of a customer. After all, they are your customers, not people that can expect your advice for free. No one ever complained about having to buy an overpriced iPhone, instead they just threw the money out of the window just to get the latest one. If you can manage to astonish and please your customers with an excellent consulting service, they will be happy to pay you the money. And the other customers can stay with the cheap priced course but should not try to talk you into giving a service for free.
I hope this helps you so far, but feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.
Dear Steve,
thank you very much for this really detailed answer – it is very very helpful and gave me the way of very polite refusal. I don’t want to upsell, as I don’t want to sell my time. But you were totally right – I simply cannot answer these questions instantly, and most of these questions are so specific that my answers would have no use for other readers.
Hm, but what would you do if someone asks you publicly, in comments, just as I did? Would you approve this comment and give the same response?
Thank you for your time, really, I appreciate your response very much. S.
I think there is no definite answer to this question. But in my opinion I think it would be a mistake not to approve such a comment and not to address it. I could be wrong, but somehow I have the feeling that it is better to approve the comment than to censor it. In general, I believe if you address their inquiry properly and explain your reasons behind declining it in a reasonable way then the chance should be higher that they will accept that. On the other hand, if you just ignore it and do not approve it then this might anger your customers. Especially as they do not know the reasons for your behavior. So this would lead them to think that you do not care about your customers.
However, if your customers want to argue about your decision or try to play the blame game you might not have to respond. I think arguing with them would just increase the problem, so you might be better off with a one-time answer. Or you could just delete that comment.
On my website this is of course a little bit different, because I have no customers. But in general I try to address anyone who I believe is sincerely looking for help. This means that if people just write a one liner I will just ask a follow-up question, which in 99% of the time they won’t even answer.
Hi Steve,
again, thank you very much for your valuable reply.
You are right – I also consider “censoring” is not the right thing and I approve it. However, I usually leave the most difficult and complex questions unreplied. Maybe it’s not the right approach, but I just did not know how to deal with it.
You know, some time ago, I responded to every single question and comment. But it had the undesired effect: People simply took it as free advisory board and started to flood me with their own accounting issues and problems – and believe me, consultants really do charge high fees for even reading about the problem.
I try to be as helpful as I can, I just simply don’t want to let myself into things that burden me and don’t bring value to other users.
Again, thank you very much, you really HELPED me – it’s a strange feeling as it’s usually me who helps :)))
Have a nice day
Silvia
You’re welcome. I hope the problem will sort itself out now that you approach it in a different way. Glad that I could help you.
Hey, I am a reader from Pakistan, this article is very helpful and encouraging, I am just hoping it will help me tomorrow with a situation m dealing with these days, that rejection to manipulating skill is really helpful, tthank u so much, really thankful to u, I am satisfied now.
You’re very welcome. I wish you good luck for the situation you’re dealing with. I’m convinced you’re going to make it.
Thank you very much for the article, it makes me feel more confident now. Saying no has always been difficult to me. As a result, i’ve been approached by manipulative people sometimes. Next time i’ll be firm.
You’re welcome! I’m convinced you’re strong enough to say no.
Other people’s lack of planning is not my emergency. Sometimes people can make it sound like if I don’t help them, they are going to die. But this is simply a form of manipulation and in such situations I especially need to learn to say no! Great Post
Thanks a lot for the feedback, Evelyn.
Fantastic article. It was about time that someone told me to finally say no.
That’s just what I needed right now. Thank you so much, this article helps to empower me in so many ways. Finally I have the courage to say no.
My parents always insisted I learn to say No, but I just didn’t know how, or maybe thought I could just suck it up and would feel better when whatever I had been asked to was over. After reading this I have made the concious decision to change this – starting by saying no to something a friend asked of me this morning! Thanks so much
Sounds great! Being able to say no is a habit you can cultivate. At the beginning it might be really difficult, but over time you will learn to properly evaluate whether or not to decline a request.
As a person committed to helping people I find myself going the extra mile especually during critical moments in their lives. I put myself last to help others sacrificially so this tends to cause dependency. People want more of my time and help. I let them know I was ’emergency team’ helping through crises until ‘hospital experts’ take over to continue helping them until they fully recover. Some think my help must continue but I can only be available for so much time personally, so ask for extra support for them. Some particularly seem to prefer my personal touch but I avoid narcissism because I am not indispensable and need to look after myself to avoid burn out. Yet some think I must continue to be all things to them simultaneously impossible. So priority helps to deal with most urgent cases first then refer others for support.
I absolutely agree with you. And even more so, if you don’t take enough yourself, you will eventually end up incapable of helping anyone. So it’s better to find the right balance between helping others and taking care of yourself so that you can continue doing what you do. Great to you from you and from your outstanding and exceptional quest to help other people as good as you can.
Thank you for your article.
The underlying dynamic starts with wanting approval.
Rejecting can often lead to not getting approval.
Not getting approval leads to fear.
Being aware of this dynamic in our conditioning/make-up allows us a greater range of choices.
You’re very welcome. I absolutely agree with you. If a person has a deep desire for approval then any kind of rejection might deeply hurt them.
My coworker is taking off the first two Sundays in May and I had requested her to speak to our supervisor to find out if there would or would not be a replacement for her. My coworker is a lab technician and if there is no replacement, I would have to keep the sign that the lab is closed. I had reminded her of this one week ago and she said she would look into it. Today when I messaged her to find out if she spoke with the supervisor, she says she’s too busy and for me to call and find out on my own. I wanted to say a direct NO but I did not want to pick a fight with her for such a small issue. But on the other hand, I also want to make sure that she takes responsibility for her replacement instead of pushing it on me. I was searching online on how to reject a direct proposal when I came across this article. I was able to stand up and boldly say NO and for her to take responsibility. I keep my work aside and help out all my colleagues but none come to my rescue when I need them. Therefore, no matter how difficult it was, I had to learn to say NO. I truly appreciate the author for writing this article and helping a weak person like me to be bold at the workplace.
I’m so glad that the article helped you Serena! I’m proud of you that you were able to stand your ground. Especially in the working environment it’s really important to find the right balance between helping and supporting your colleagues and avoiding being exploited. I think it’s always a good sign when people help each other in the working environment, but as soon as other people abuse this good kindness it’s time to stop.
What I would really like to have some feedback on is the other side of this coin. I’m referring to people who exploit or misuse assertiveness techniques specifically to hurt the feelings of others when their own best interests and well being are not on the line.
For example, I have an adult daughter who one day (as an adult) decided that she would no longer pose for a family photo unless she could make a clownish face instead of the traditional “say cheese” smile. Requests that she smile for a picture were henceforward met with anger and scowling in any photos. On one level, this is obviously not a big deal. The whole family gets that. But exercising the assertive right to refuse a request, when it is obvious that the refusal is for petty reasons meant to irritate and hurt, turns it into a bigger deal.
What many assertiveness teachers fail to emphasize to people is that assertiveness carries with it the requirement that one be prepared to accept the consequences of their actions. You can certainly refuse any request, even if your well being is not at stake, but if you consistently refuse minor requests for no other reason than the you can (or worse, because you know it hurts other’s feelings) you are not being assertive, but deliberately and mean-spiritedly aggressive.
People seeking advice who wilfully misunderstand or misuse assertiveness techniques need to be informed that the consequence may be that people avoid them. If they profess not to care, then it should be pointed out to them that they were never interested in assertiveness in the first place and should be told to seek counselling, preferably elsewhere.
I fully agree with you, Scott. On the one hand, I think it is important to be able to say no when you notice that others exploit you in any way shape or form. On the other hand, I think that all the relationships we entertain in life come with certain responsibilities and obligations. If our friends, parents, or children repeatedly request us to do things without even considering our own interests and making us do things that are exceptionally time intensive, one should always consider rejecting. At the same time, we should never refrain from helping our friends if they really need us. Ultimately, I believe it points down on mutual reciprocity. Everything in life is a giving and taking. If a relationship is only about you giving, you are in my opinion in a morally acceptable position to decline the request.
Dear Steve,
I am glad I found this wonderful article. It is really useful. I realized this ‘can not say no’ problem some months ago and I am trying my best to beat it. Now my question is that, my partner is a super nice man who barely say no to everyone, and recently he had been asked for help at least 3 times from his little cousin with similar issues. He has to stay up late, whole night maybe, to help her with her essay and some sorts of this stuff which I think is totally her own responsibility. How can I communicate this with him and let him aware that this not only affect his regular life (he can not get up on time in the morning to work), his health and our valuable time together(we are now in 2 counties with 12 hours time difference). I really don’t know whether I am too sensitive or this is really a problem. I am really upset now because he just had to go to her place to help her preparing graduate interview for tomorrow even its after 10PM now. I feel confused of this. Please help me out.
Dear Yixin,
thanks for the kind words! Well, regarding your question, I think it’s important to make your husband aware of how much you’re suffering from his behaviour. Help him realize that his cousin may be exploiting or at least using him for his/her own (selfish) needs. Also, show him how much this influences your life together as partners. But you could also indicate to him, that if his cousin isn’t capable of managing her/his own life, he perhaps will also have to help him/her once she/he has entered the workforce, which may get quite stressing for him. Make him aware that his behaviour, even though helpful, may cause more probelms in the long run than that it solves.
Dear Steve,
Thank you so much for your prompt reply. We talked about this yesterday and it went well.
I hope I can help someone like you did to me.
Thanks.
You can certainly see your skills within the article you write.
The sector hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how
they believe. Always follow your heart.