… before you criticize this person. The following article has a lot to share about compassion, forgiveness, empathy, and the ability to think yourself into another person’s shoes. It will also show you what you can do to develop compassion and to cultivate empathy. The origin of the famous proverb “before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes” was quite difficult to find, as there are many who simply rephrased and added their own “spin” to this commonly known quote. Many of those modern quotations added the sentence “… that way, you are a mile away from them and have their shoes,” which adds humor to the quote, but it (unfortunately) has nothing in common with the original thoughts behind the fantastic proverb.
The earliest traces of the enlightening proverb date back to the Cherokee tribe of Native Americans, who warned: “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes”. Nelle Harper Lee, an American authoress, was seemingly inspired by the saying of the Amerindians in her book “To Kill a Mockingbird,” where she wrote:
“You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird. J.B. Lippincott & Co., 1960
and thereby brought the saying to a wider public and increased its popularity distinctly.
You never really know the reasons behind a person’s actions until you have made similar experiences
Definition – What is empathy all about?
Being able to empathize means to be capable of identifying and understanding another person’s feelings, without experiencing them for yourself at that particular moment. It is the ability to literally experience the world from another person’s perspective; to walk in their shoes, to view life from their living conditions and to feel what it feels like to be that person.
The noun em•pa•thy refers to
- the ability to comprehend another person’s actions and emotions
- the identification of thoughts and emotional states within others
- the capacity to understand a person’s (emotional) reaction
- the awareness of another’s problems, without experiencing them
which can be – in general – understood as the ability of a person to understand others or to “see where they are coming from.” In contrast to this, the personality trait of a person that is incapable of empathizing with others would be defined as a sociopath.
Surprisingly, the ability to empathize with others is relative to a person’s capacity to identify, feel, and understand their own feelings and thereby being able to project one’s feelings onto others. This means in turn that it becomes complicated at times to understand what a person is undergoing if you haven’t undergone it for yourself – or at least felt similar feelings. The outcome of this can be seen in our day-to-day lives; it’s relatively easy to laugh about someone who is not as tall as you or to rant about “the lazy unemployed” when you have never been unemployed in your life, or grown up in riches. But once you experience for yourself what it feels like to be teased about your body height or the difficulty to find a job, your point of view might change drastically. You may also feel differently about those who are facing a similar situation.
Another aspect that empathy depends on is emotional intelligence. This kind of intelligence has not so much to do with mental skills (intellect) or the intellectual ability to study an emotion, but a lot more with actually experiencing these emotions. A person that has experienced a variety of emotional states and feelings throughout their life – from the heights of victory, happiness, and joy to the depths of defeat, sadness, and anxiety – will find it easier to understand another person’s problems and feelings. Furthermore, emotional intelligence enables a person to empathize with someone, without the need to have felt likewise in the past. Basically, it’s the mental projection into the emotional state of mind of another person, allowing you to identify their feelings.
How to develop and increase empathy?
1. Walk a mile in someone’s shoes – figuratively
Now, if you think about the events of the last two weeks, I’m pretty sure that there was at least one person, a colleague, your boss or even a friend that has angered you for any reason. If you reflect what happened in this situation, angered emotions might stir up again, but this time, try to recall the situation – if possible – as unemotional as possible. You can think about your standpoint, your argumentation and the reasoning behind YOUR behavior for a short while. But then, try to step into the shoes of your counterpart – the person that angered you so much. This might be difficult to begin with, but give your very best and slip into the role of the other person and try to view the whole situation from that person’s perspective, just for a couple of minutes. Attempt to leave your opinion of your counterpart aside for a while, no matter how arrogant, illogical or full of himself that person appears in your opinion. While in this state of unbiasedness, it will hopefully be possible to identify and understand the reasoning behind your opponent’s behavior, whether you approve of it is not so important. By understanding the reasons behind your counterpart’s behavior, you have mastered an important hurdle on your path towards compassion. Don’t be discouraged if you do not spot the reasoning immediately – every (sane) person has a reason for what they do, it’s just sometimes really difficult to discover and understand that particular reason.
Basically, it’s the switch in perspectives David Nichtern is speaking about in his article on the pursuit of happiness: developing empathy for others. He not only says that you should ask yourself what the situation looks like to the other person, but also that this kind of “switch in perspective is the basis for developing empathy.”
2. Developing empathy out of a person’s motive
I think that once you understand at least the motive behind a person’s action, it’s by far easier to empathize with them. (Please note that we are speaking of regular people you come into contact in your daily life, not criminals!). Your boss, for instance, might be very demanding at times, but maybe you’ll notice that his pressuring bosses could be the reason for this. Maybe, he hasn’t experienced any other management style than his own bosses are setting an example of. By realizing this, you could clearly see that your boss is just a product of his environment, unable to comprehend his misbehavior.
The very same holds true with a person’s background, personal circumstances, education and so on. In many cases, people will start an argument with an uninvolved third party just to let off steam, or because they are still lost in thoughts about an exasperating situation. Therefore, you should not only seek for the reasoning behind a person’s action but also try to understand how it would FEEL like to be your counterpart. From that particular moment when you understand just a slight fraction of the problems and feelings your counterpart is facing in life, it will become easier for you to empathize with them.
3. Replace anger with compassion
Once you get a hang of stepping into another person’s shoes, you can try to implement this technique into your daily life – in real time. Make it an intention of yours to respond with understanding instead of anger. Thereby, you can avoid leaping to conclusions and hasty reactions you might regret later. For instance, the next time someone angrily hoots with his car horn at you, try to think for a moment what reason might have led this person to hoot at you, instead of reacting instantly by making gestures or screaming insults. That way, you might discover that your opponent was just offended or is in a rush – which is none of your business and not worth your attention at all.
At some point, you might automatically step into another’s shoes before responding emotionally, allowing you to come to a wiser conclusion than starting an argument or a fight, for instance.
4. Discover the similarities, not the differences
In this (often times) self-centered world, it seems that many have forgotten that not only they are on a pursuit of happiness, but everyone else is as well. Naturally, this is doomed to cause conflicts, as by centering the whole world on ourselves, we tend to forget about others, which is causing us to see far more differences between ourselves and “them.” But in reality, we are all the same. No matter of our ethical background, skin color or religious orientation – we all are striving for happiness, peacefulness, and love. Also, each of us is trying to avoid sadness and suffering at best. So, instead of being blinded by the differences that superficially separate you from another person, try to acknowledge the commonalities you share with this person.
5. Don’t judge too hastily
When we meet a person for the first time, we immediately put them into boxes, subconsciously, if we want it or not. The first impressions can have a long lasting effect on what we think about a person – until we really get to know them better. Often times, we don’t even think much about this process happening and allow our “intuition” to guide us when forming an opinion about others. It is important that you realize that this is a natural process unfolding but it, unfortunately, creates a lot of biases. In order to empathize with others, it’s crucial to set aside your biases and generalizations, in order to see behind the façade.
Before you judge someone, ask yourself if you know this person inside out and if you know what made them the person that they are today. If you can understand what they go through day after day, if you can relate to them and what it must feel like to be in their position, then you can form an opinion about them, without being biased. Notwithstanding, it should be noted that unless you really experienced the exact same situation as another person, with the same burdens, problems, and suffers, you should ask yourself if you are in the proper position to judge or even criticize this person.
Also, it’s important to acknowledge the fact that others perceive their reality through biases, values, and generalizations as well, which might highly influence their behavior.
6. Become aware of your emotional landscape
I’ve mentioned in the above that the ability to empathize with others largely depends on a person’s capacity to fully identify and understand his own feelings. Something many people are struggling with, as they give their best to numb themselves from unsolicited feelings by distracting themselves with work, TV or drugs and alcohol. Therefore, it can be tremendously helpful to keep an “emotions protocol” in order to discover the profundity of one’s emotional patterns, by keeping a record of the various emotions we come across in our daily lives. This does not only encourage us to uncover the variety of our own emotions but also helps us to acknowledge the fact that the emotional landscape of another person is similarly distinctive.
Writing an “emotions protocol” does neither require much effort nor time; simply write down – within the time span of five minutes – every emotion or feeling that you experienced during the day. For instance, if you experienced anger write down: “Sore anger: My colleague was promoted, instead of me.” Keep it plain and simple; the goal is to identify a huge variety of very different feelings and emotions.
7. Ask others about their perspective
The very last aspect on our list on how to develop skills in empathy describes a fantastic way that helps you to further increase and sharpen your empathic skills. Furthermore, it allows you to compare what you thought a person would feel like and how this person feels de facto. It’s as simple as the title of #7 reads; simply ask others about their perspective or even their feelings regarding a specific situation or occurrence. That way, you aren’t dependent on your sensitivity but have a statement to compare your impressions with. Feel free to apply this technique wherever you feel fit, for instance, ask your colleagues about their opinion on the political development, and so on.
As closing remarks, let me point out that empathy is – luckily – a learned skill that can develop and grow through consistent practice. Therefore, if you are willing to increase your understanding of the behavior of others, it is never too late to learn it. What are your experiences with empathy? Feel free to share your opinions with us in the comment section below.
Are you an empath or do you sometimes struggle to think yourself into the shoes of another person?
Photo by Brandon C. Warren
44 Comments
I think this is a great blog and I like the 7 steps you’ve outlined to develop empathy.
Hi Maree, thank you very much for the positive feedback! It’s highly appreciated, I’m glad that you like the article!
Hello Steve I am a 9th grader and I am using this for an assignment! I was surprised to actually find errors in your article! But worry not I fixed it before I printed it!
Thanks.
Hi Steve!
What a Great Blog! Inspiring and Informative! Thank You 🙂 Fiona
Hi Fiona, thank you for the feedback! I’m glad you like the site!
Steve,
I came for the wording and source of the quote and got a great deal more! How fortunate for me, may the benefit come back around to you in some significant way. Gratefully Jim
Hi Jim, thanks for stepping by and leaving your feedback! I’m glad you got something out of the article!
Hi steve! what else should i say? supplements to one’s life…
Great article, very informative. I’d like to add that there is actually a method, a process called Walking-In-Your-Shoes for understanding oneself and others on a deeper level. Empathy is at the core of this process. Some more information can be found here: www walking-in-your-shoes.us. My fascination of this has resulted in getting trained and now having started to facilitating this work. I hope you don’t mind that “plug”. Thanks a mil’ !
Finally I understand what it means to walk in someone’s shoes, pretty good explanation.
I like your article Steve, as it is a good beginning to the practice of empathy. To take it a step further, there is another saying that goes “you can walk a mile in another man’s shoes but you will never know where it pinches”. Another way of putting it is “the shoe that fits one person pinches another”. What this means is that even if we can relate to the other person’s experience, we will never , ever, really know how it feels for them. Which is why we find it somewhat annoying when a person says to us “I know exactly how you feel – I’ve been there”. If I were to add one more step to yours, I’d say step number 8 would be “Be quiet, and listen, with love.
That is an excellent addition, thank you very much! If I have the time I will included into the article because you are quite right about it.
I’ve heard empathy described as:
Having your pain in my heart…..
Yeah, I guess this is the negative side of too much empathy. Thanks for sharing the quote.
I like both of the additions from Marguerite and Paulette, but I feel they should be taken as positive “enhancements” to the understanding of empathy.
Never knowing where the shoes pinch informs me of the limitations of my empathy for another, and helps guide me to better understand there are other elements in connecting with a fellow human being.
Having someone else’s pain in my heart is the definiion of being a true empath, and yet it is not something I necessarily want to achieve. I don’t want to know what it feels like to have lost a child.
However, I can try to imagine being in that state by taking an experience of loss from my own life and intensifying it.
Empathy is part of being human – the problem is few of us exercise it. But we have the power to choose to use it, to incorporate it in our
lives daily, and use it as a tool in our tool boxes for becoming better to others and to ourselves, for ignoring our differences and realizing every person on this planet is our brother or sister.
Hello John,
Thank you for your comment. You have put into words many important ideas that I was not able to formulate. Thanks for making this important addition to the article.
In the previous post, 1st sentence, it should be “additions”, and I meant to write, “…to the understanding of empathy.’
I’ll edit it for you, if you don’t mind.
Hi Steve. Loved the article. I found you by googling ” you must a walk in another man shoes”, in response to a Facebook comment that show a picture of a police officer and the following statement on ChristianAmerica.com. They want people to hit AGREE.. If you in deed agreed with the following statement..
” if fathers just did what they are suppose to, half the junk that we face in the streets wouldn’t exist.
Well I agreed, but left a lengthy response, in (short here) with
If we all exercised some empathy, we would find that people do the best they can you what they have been taught, learned as a child, & lived with. We all aren’t lucky to have been given a the blessing of great role models & people are all the same everywhere we want happiness, peace & love. You ABSOLUETLY MUST WALK A MILE IN ANOTHER MANS SHOES. Thanks again for the article,
Very wise response.
And to close this circle, if fathers don’t do what they are supposed to do, it takes even more empathy from the rest of us to solve the issues that we are dealing with.
Thank you very much for stopping by and leaving your feedback.
Hi Steve – Thank you for your clear article on empathy. I’ve been struggling to put into words what empathy means for carers of people with advanced dementia. It is a real challenge for a carer to be empathetic and understand how a person experiences their dementia when the person can only express their needs through emotional outbursts. Your article, especially items 2 and 3, has given me new insights. Thanks again – Paul
I’m so glad I could help you. Being a carer is an incredibly difficult job I believe. Because on one hand if you are too empathic you cannot help the people and you will go down the drain because of all the pain you feel. On the other hand, if you’re not empathic at all the people you care for suffer tremendously. So yeah I guess pretty difficult job.
Dear Steve,
I am an online instructor and course developer for Summit University Online School of Theology. My passion is leadership and team building. Currently, I am creating a course on Practical Leadership with emphasis on conflict resolution.
I found your blog on Google. It is personable, down to earth, shows much common sense, and it would give our students a well-rounded understanding of empathy.
May I have permission to include it in my course?
Thanks!
Onward and upward!
Rose
Dear Rose,
I am very honored by your request. Yes you have my permission to include the article in your course. I wish you good luck with the course; I am convinced that your course inspires your students tremendously.
Dear Steve, Hello. I just wanted to tell you that your blog was simply amazing. I have got alot going on in my life right now and it was rather refreshing to read that blog. You brought back alot of memories. Thank you.
Dear Charles, you are very welcome. Thanks for the kind words. I’m very glad that my blog has helped inspiring you.
Hi Steve,
Going through a personal crisis, I wanted to ascertain that I was not taking an extreme view towards the very people who mattered so much in my life not so long ago. Long story short, like many others, I found the blog when I tried to search for the “walk in my shoe…” adage. You have condensed in less than 2000 words (I haven’t counted!!) what established “gurus” would take 200 pages to describe and in a language so lucid that everyone should be able to comprehend the meaning of your article. I do have a follow-up question. Empathy, if I understood your articles, is “reconciling other person’s behavior impartially” given their view point. What I’d like to know if I should empathize with myself i.e. give my own behavior an “impartial” checkup given my view point?
Hi Tarun,
First of all, thank you very much for the kind words. I really appreciate it.
In response to your question, I think the answer is yes. Yes I do think you should empathize with yourself. Empathy also means to understand why people act the way they do, but it does not necessarily mean that you approve their behavior or like their behavior. For instance, if a colleague of yours is rude against you one would normally say this is my colleague, he or she is behaving rude. With empathy however, one would try to dig deeper than that to see the real reasons for this. One might discover that this colleague sees oneself as a competitor. That the colleague does not want to loose his job or fears that his or her rise in the company is at danger.
But how does this help? Well, if you understand the reasons for a person’s behavior you are already one step closer to a possible solution.
I hope this helps so far. As you write you are going through a personal crisis, you can of course feel free to address the issue that is nagging you, if you like to discuss this matter.
I enjoyed your blog very much! I too found it while doing a search for “walk a mile in their shoes” info. If you are interested, I wrote a short commentary, my 2 cents worth, on the difference between empathy and compassion. I will apologize ahead of time for some of the language used. It was chosen to make a point. Let me know your thoughts. No need to include with your above blog if you don’t want to as it is a link to my LinkedIn page and I am not sharing this to promote myself.
linkedin.com/pulse/where-does-compassion-fit-your-approach-dr-jon-m-ketcham
Good idea!
Then if we do criticize him/her, we are a mile away and have their shoes! 😀
thank you for the good advice.
🙂 You’re welcome
So it’s okay if you walk in another man’s shoes except for criminals? What do you mean by “except for criminals?”
By this I mean that it might not necessarily be possible to understand the horrific and extremely destructive actions of criminals, such as mass murderers, rapists and the like. So one can walk in their shoes as long as one wants, but one might never be fully able to understand why they did what they did.
Doesn’t mean that one should not try to emphasize with every human being, including criminals.
I was looking for the source of “walk a mile in another’s shoes” and came across your article. You might want to check out Matthew Chapter 5, verse 41. The original “walk a mile” was a Roman law requiring any non-Roman to assist a Roman solider in carrying his pack when asked for a mile. The verse by Matthew carries the suggestion that when asked the non-Roman assist with carrying of the pack for 2 miles as a charitable act.
Thanks Lucy for this incredibly helpful addition.
I loved this article! So insightful and helpful with regard to a discussion I had last night, and it wasn’t even what I was looking for.
Do you have any books you’d further recommend on the topic?
Thanks a lot.
Perhaps: Empathy: Why It Matters, and How to Get It by Roman Krznaric
and: The Art of Empathy: A Complete Guide to Life’s Most Essential Skill by Karla McLaren
There is a teaching in Pirkei Avot (2:4 or 2:5) that says, “do not judge a person until you have stood in their place.” I think that’s older than the Cherokee proverb. (Pirkei Avot–the teachings of the sages, is part of the Mishnah, the earliest strand of the Talmud, finished around 200 CE.)
I appreciated the Harper Lee quote, thanks…
Steve,
I’m a little late to the party but wanted to send out a sincere thank you for the article. It was exactly what my soul was looking for today.
As someone who can empathesize very well and point it out to others, how are we suppose to help those who don’t see anything wrong with not empathesizing? It hurts my heart when I can’t seem to get others on board after I have poured my heart into showing complete empathy to them, to others in front of them and it never seems to matter. Btw, I really enjoyed your article. I am currently in college again so I can be a certified early childhood teacher to teach these kiddos at any early age the meaning of empathy!
In my opinion, it is three difficult to change people, to change how they think, feel, and in general to get them to think differently. You can change yourself, you can change how you perceive the world around you but changing others may not always be possible.
Thanks a lot for this beautiful wiriting……
Indeed I like this article many thanks. Learning to walk in another’s footsteps requires much understanding of human faculty to its best term. If we all started to think more, – make for a more considerate society.